my phone needs a breathalizer
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
