my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
