I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Never let your siblings swipe right.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
