Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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