u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
