Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
