Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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