guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
