those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
