i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
