her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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