you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
