Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
