Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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