bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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