Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
