She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
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He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
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Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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