I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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