then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
