He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You're a waste of cheezeits
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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