i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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