Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
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I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
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I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?