dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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