Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
A+ Viking dick
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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