im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
