so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
