but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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