He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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