you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
