I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
