I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
