you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
