So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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