if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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