Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
