a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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