I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
