shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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