i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
