I should be sponsored by Trojan
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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