the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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