some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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Randomize
