I need to stop coming to work sober
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
