we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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