bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
