billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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