So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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