Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
