WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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