we have officially lost it.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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