the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
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