I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
