I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
