if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she peed on how many people?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
