I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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