**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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