im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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