i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
