Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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