a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
