Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
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I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
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If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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