Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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